My So-Called Family
by GleeFan00
Summary: Kurt and Blaine's four children graduate middle school and are on their way to high school. Can this dysfunctional family survive the four years at McKinley? Rated M for suggestive adult themes, language, violence, and inappropriate humor. Pairings include Klaine, Puckleberry, Kartie, Samcedes, Wemma, Tike, and Brittana, among others.


Chapter One

Liz:

"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"

"Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"  
"Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"  
"Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"  
"WHAT THE FOX SAY?"

"_For the love of all that is holy, Luke, turn off that god-awful excuse for music!"_

I had previously been studying with Tessa for the U.S. History Regents we were going to take that Friday when the all-too familiar Ylvis song discussing the fascinating topic of the communicatory habits of the fox species began blaring from Luke and Liam's room, as it had been doing for the past month, much to the entire family's annoyance. Unfortunately, it only took four days for me to memorize the song, for Luke had been playing it incessantly ever since he discovered it at the beginning of May.

At the beginning of testing season. Awesome.

Luke always had an impeccable sense of timing. That was the exact reason why my parents didn't allow him near the stove ever since their fourteenth wedding anniversary, when he nearly burned the house down attempting to make them a special breakfast. He completely forgot about the toast he was making and went to play Mariokart, stopping only when he smelled the smoke coming from the kitchen.

I took pictures and scrapbooked it. Laughing the entire time. My parents weren't too happy though. They had saved for months to afford that toaster, and the scent of burning bread had interrupted Dad's moisturizing routine, and God help you if you got him pissed enough to stop his routine.

"Joff-tchoff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff!"

"Joff-tchoff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff!"

"Joff-tchoff-tchoff-tchoffo-tchoffo-tchoff!"

"WHAT THE FOX SAY?"

"Alright, that's it." I growled, nearly pushing the desk chair across the room as I swiftly stood up and did what I like to call a "Rachel Berry stomp" to my brother's room, Tessa shadowing me and unsuccessfully attempting to calm me down.

"Liz, just ignore him. You've managed to ignore him since he started playing that moronic song." She reasoned.

"Yes, but he knew we would be studying for the Regents and he wouldn't, since he's not in the 'Special People' class."

Tessa sighed. "I keep telling you; S.P. stands for 'Superintendent Program'."

"Same thing."

Tessa and I were in the eighth grade, same as Liam and Luke, but we were in the honors class, and Luke and Liam weren't. One of the awesome perks that the honors class gets is that we are forced to take twice the amount of state exams as the other classes, not to mention taking the Regents as well. The Regents that we already took that year were Algebra 1 and Living Environment, and the Regents we were about to take was the freaking _eleventh grade_ U.S. History Regents. Tessa nearly had a panic attack when we heard we were going to take a high school junior exam, and began her daily routine of studying for two hours a day, reading her History textbook and copying down notes and vocabulary, at the beginning of the year, not to mention while doing extra homework to keep her grades high, which I didn't see the point of, considering we were going to McKinley no matter what.

I approached Luke and Liam's room and realized that the door was locked. _That smart little son of a bitch…_ I thought as I attempted to open the door. That was when it was time to revert to Plan B, which basically meant "kick the door down". I backed up until I reached the wall, and before Tessa could knock some sense into me, I charged towards the door and slammed my foot into it, successfully opening the door and leaving a large boot print on the wood.

"_Holy shit!"_ I heard Luke swearing under his breath as he unplugged his mp3 player from the stereo.

I casually sauntered into the room, plastering innocence to my features as I approached where Luke was sitting. Luke was giving me one of his famous "I didn't do it" faces, hands folded on his lap. It soon became clear to him that this wasn't fooling me, for as soon as I reached arm length of him, I punched him on the shoulder.

Hard.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Liz! Ow!" Luke whined, clutching the injured area.

"You expected anything else from me when you're playing that pathetic excuse for music while Tessa and I are studying for one of the most important exams we'll be taking this year!?"

Luke groaned with pain as he flopped down on his bed, laying his shoulder on his pillow. "Why you gotta hate on Ylvis?"

I growled, sounding more like an animal than a human being. "You really find the topic of fox language interesting?"

"Liz, you have to admit, no one really likes the song, but it gets stuck in our heads anyway, like the Narwhal Song or the Afro Circus Song." I heard a voice behind me state. I turned to see my more tolerable brother, Liam, holding a sandwich and smirking. "And, you guys might want to keep it down, because Dad and Papa are sleeping on the couch downstairs, and you know how they get when they're woken up before they're supposed to."

"Like hibernating grizzly bears woken up before spring?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ding-ding-ding! You got it!" said Luke, pointing at me with his un-injured arm.

Tessa quickly walked into the room and returned to the initial subject. "The point is, Luke, could you wait until the summertime to start playing that song? Liz and I are trying to study for the U.S. History Regents."

Luke scoffed.

Tessa gave him her famous "bitch-glare" she had gotten from Dad. "Did I mention this test was for eleventh grade?"

"Well, crap, why didn't you tell me so? I thought the test was for ninth grade, like the others. I'll stop playing it. Until summer, that is." Luke said, looking apologetic.

This was when I started to become a little peeved. "I told you the test was for eleventh grade yesterday, and you played the "deaf card" on me!"

"What can I say? Tess is more convincing than you."

My hands balled into fists. "Why don't you come a little closer so my _fist can hear you?"_

"Um, guys…" Liam attempted to get our attention, but I chose to ignore him. A choice I would regret a few seconds later.

"Make me, shorty." Luke said, standing up and towering over me. Tess flinched, knowing that, other than insulting my family or my intelligence, that was the quickest way to an ass-kicking.

"How about I have my combat boots make you come closer?"

"I dare you."

"You know I never back out on dares, bitch!"

A new and very familiar and terrifying voice joined the conversation. "ELIZABETH AND LUCAS ANDERSON!"

_Fuck._

I turned swiftly, hoping that the voice behind me was just a rage hallucination. I was very sadly mistaken. My parents, looking downright pissed, were standing in the doorway of the bedroom.

"Told you." Liam said behind the May edition of _People Magazine._

I had a strong urge to tell Liam to shut up, but decided that was a bad idea, considering that I was in deep shit already. In the seconds following, it was sort of like the calm before the storm, except with complete silence and icy glares. Dad was the one to break the deadly silence.

"What in God's name are you two fighting about this time?" he asked, sounding more exasperated than angry, but I learned a long time ago that he used this to lull us, the children, into a false sense of security so we would tell him what happened, and then he would rain fire upon us. This is why I chose to remain silent, as did Luke and Liam. Tessa, as she always did, came to our rescue by downplaying the severity of our argument using complex words and the skills she learned in debate club to her advantage.

"Liz and Luke were just having a disagreement about Luke frequently playing "The Fox" this past month, not to mention Liz and I were studying when he decided to play it." Tessa said in such a soothing voice, even I calmed down after the shouting match that Luke and I just had that was definitely more than a "disagreement".

Papa sighed. "Luke, your sisters are right. That song is getting on everyone's nerves."

"And Liz, you need to get your anger issues under control." Dad said.

I rolled my eyes. "Says Dad for the millionth time but never does anything about it…" I muttered.

Dad fixed me with an icy glare. Literally icy, considering his eyes were a very cold shade of blue. Tessa had inherited her eyes from him, except on her, the color looked like a puddle on a street corner right after it rained, when it was cool and smelled fresh outside. My eyes were a combination of my mother and father's eyes, a dull shade of glasz with flecks of brown, a dirty puddle compared to Tessa's clear pool of water.

"It shouldn't be my job to fix your anger issues for you." said Dad stubbornly.

"Well, apparently, it's your job to pick my clothes out for me every day." I stated, raising my eyebrows.

You knew Dad was getting angry when his cheeks began to flush scarlet and his voice got higher than usual, which was pretty damn high. "You've been acting this way since you were born. What's wrong with you?"

I laughed sarcastically. "You just noticed my attitude towards you now? What about the time that I stole and hid all your beauty products?"

"That was a week to remember…" Liam muttered behind his magazine.

Dad groaned in exasperation. "Just… make up with each other and quit fighting, please. I'm too tired to deal with this right now." And with that, Dad trudged out of the room, whispering profanities under his breath as he went, which was not an unusual occurrence lately. I glanced over at Tessa. She had locked her fingers in her golden hair, braiding it, pretending that it wasn't the argument Dad and I just had that had turned her so pale. Luke, on the other hand, was about to break a rib from concealing his laughter, shaking so violently that he nearly fell of the bed. Liam, of course, was oblivious as to what had just happened, being lost in the fantasy world of celebrity gossip. I sighed, feeling the same frustrated feeling I always got when Dad and I argued, like a tic-tac-toe game that can never be won, which is basically like every tic-tac-toe game. The harder I tried to reason with him, the more I got stuck, like being trapped in quicksand. Papa was gazing at us with an odd mixture of pity and annoyance.

"Just… don't get on your father's nerves any more today, okay? He's in a pretty bad mood already because you've been playing 'The Fox' since six 'o clock this morning, _Lucas._"

And with that, Papa followed Dad, leaving me with my siblings. An uncomfortable silence had settled in the room, and I settled with staring at the homework Luke was doing, a three-page essay on _To Kill a Mockingbird_ that was due the next day, that only had one paragraph completed.

"Look, Liz… I'm sorry. I didn't know Dad was going to get so pissed at us, and it was totally unfair for him to yell at you, because I've been the one playing 'The Fox' nonstop. Besides, the song is getting kind of boring, so I'll stop playing it for good."

I sat on the floor, removing the dirty sock from under me that I had just sat on, grimacing with disgust. "Thanks, Luke. Besides, I'm used to Dad yelling at me for no reason whatsoever. It's like I'm a parent anger magnet. Half the time, I don't even know what I did to make Dad and Papa so mad."

"Well actually, it's Dad that yells at you most of the time. Papa usually sides with you in arguments with Dad, but doesn't show it, since he doesn't want Dad's anger gravitating towards him." Liam said behind his magazine.

Tessa sighed. "Lee, I keep telling you to stop reading that celebrity trash. All of it's just lies."

"Well, actually, it's the truth, just exaggerated to make it more dramatic."

"Too dramatic, if you ask me."

I smirked. "Tess, you think everything is too dramatic."

Kurt:

"Dad quit it; you're making the pins too tight…"

"Well, excuse me for wanting my daughter to look presentable for her graduation."

Elizabeth squeaked as I tightened her hair yet again after the strands fell out of place for the hundredth time. Her hair was so difficult to work with, even after she straightened it. It was thick, so I could barely work with it. I growled as I struggled to pin the last of her hair up and then asked her to stand up and show me how it looked.

"Damn it!" I hissed when I noticed that a lock of hair had escaped the many pins. I thought for I moment as I glanced at the clock, and decided to pull out some hair on the other side of her face to make the hanging strands look intentional.

"Alright, we're done."

Elizabeth groaned in relief as she stretched. "After two hours in that freaking chair…"

"Quiet, I don't want to hear it. Not today." I muttered as I helped her get her graduation cap on. Why do they have to make these caps so difficult to stay on someone's head? I held the cap in one place with one hand and grabbed the pins with the other.

"UGH, more pins?" Elizabeth slumped, causing me to lose my grip on her cap for a split second. I quickly pinched her shoulder and she yelped, regaining her posture.

I maneuvered the first pin between her hair and the cap. "Hold still, sweetie pie."

I could hear the rest of the family getting antsy downstairs from waiting so long. I caught a snippet of Liam and Lucas arguing;

"Liam, stop, it's fine…"

"You put your tie on wrong."

"It looks fine!"

"It looks as though a greyhound tried to tie it…"

"Shut up!"

I finished with the last pin. "Okay, let's go downstairs."

I could just hear Elizabeth muttering, "About time…"

I sighed. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she just stuck her fingers in her ears and talked to herself until I was done speaking. I could never get through to her.

As we descended the staircase, Elizabeth stumbling slightly due to her sky-high heels, Lucas groaned in relief.

"Finally!" he sighed, slapping Liam's hand away as he yet again tried to fix his tie.

"Looks like we're not going to be late after all." Liam said, straightening his cap.

I was checking the time when I heard an odd noise. I looked over at the couch, where the sound was coming from, and saw Blaine fast asleep. I raised an eyebrow, smiling.

"He fell asleep about an hour ago." I heard Tessalynn say behind the book she was reading.

I approached the couch and discovered that Pluto, Elizabeth's cat, had settled herself quite contentedly on Blaine's back. I shooed the cat away, and the pitch-black feline took refuge behind Elizabeth. She bent down to pet the cat, but I wasn't about to have her get cat hair on her gown.

"Do not touch the cat."

I heard Elizabeth literally growl as she retracted her hand. I focused my attention once more on my husband.

"Blaine…" I whispered, shaking his shoulder. He groaned and turned away from me. I pressed my lips together tightly. _So that's how you want to play it, huh?_ I shook his shoulder a little harder.

"Blaine, come on, wake up, we're going to be late." This was met by Blaine shrugging off my hand.

I sighed in exasperation. "_Blaine!_" I yelled, slapping his shoulder. He jolted awake with a snort, sitting bolt upright on the couch.

"I'm awake, I'm awake…" he said sleepily, glancing at the clock. "Lucas, I thought I told you to wake me up at eleven."

Lucas was smoothing the wrinkles off his gown. "Oops."

Blaine sighed. "Okay, it doesn't matter now. What matters now is that we get to your school on time." He quickly looked out the window. "Speaking of which, where is Rachel with the car?"

"She called me about five minutes ago saying that she was a few blocks away." I said, rushing to the bathroom for a last-minute appliance of hairspray. I suddenly heard my family's voices become excited. I then heard a familiar car horn.

"Sweetheart, Rachel's here." Blaine said, joining me in the bathroom and gazing at my hairspray with a _'really?' _look.

"What? My hair looks shaggy."

Blaine took the container from me. "You look perfect, as always. Now, come on, we need to go, or else we're going to be late for the graduation ceremony." He took my hand and almost dragged me out of the bathroom and out the door to Rachel's car.

Unfortunately, the air conditioner in Rachel's car had broken, resulting in the car being almost unbearably warm. Rachel's three children, two of which were graduating that day as well, were sitting in the car, also in their graduation gowns, fanning themselves and complaining about the heat. Jeremiah, Rachel's youngest, spoke up.

"Can we open a window or something? I think I'm melting…"

It was Patti, Rachel's only daughter, that spoke next. "Jer, we're all melting. We just have to stick it out until we get to the school." I noticed that she was putting on pounds of makeup, and that her hair had more product in it than mine had, which was saying something.

"You do know that the school will probably be un-air-conditioned, too, right?" said Kyle, Patti's twin brother, scoffing.

"And all while we're wearing sweltering graduation gowns. Lovely." I heard Liam say behind me.

After I had put my seatbelt on, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I looked up to see my husband smirking and gesturing to our kids, who were sitting behind us. I glanced backward, and had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

Since there was limited room in Rachel's car, Elizabeth and Tessalynn had to sit on their brother's laps to be able to fit inside. None of them looked happy about the seating arrangements. Lucas caught me attempting to conceal my laughter. He almost snarled;

"Do. Not. Laugh." Lucas's voice came from under Elizabeth, who was struggling to make herself comfortable. "Quit moving, Bellatrix, your butt's bony."

"You're one to talk." Liam said from underneath Tessalynn. "Tess has almost no fat to protect me from her sharp pelvis." This resulted in Liam getting his ribs elbowed by said sister.

"Everyone, shut up, you're making the car warmer." Puck said from the shotgun seat next to Rachel.

Rachel slapped his arm lightly. "Noah, don't yell at your nieces and nephews."

"Nah, we're used to it." Elizabeth said, biting her nail. I had to pull her arm away so she wouldn't ruin the manicure that I gave her.

Blaine turned around to glance at our kids. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Elizabeth smiled overwhelmingly. "It means we love you guys!" She threw her arms around Blaine's neck from where she was sitting behind him and hugged him. They both had goofy smiles plastered to their faces, laughing. My heart always seemed to expand when I saw the two of them together. Considering Blaine was Elizabeth's biological father, she had inherited all her behavioral habits from him, making her both annoying and lovable at the same time, like a puppy. As well as behavioral traits, she also inherited Blaine's height, leading to her being the shortest of her siblings, which was odd, considering that she was two years older than all of them, part of her eye color, flecks of a warm honey-brown color, and her hair structure, which she would never admit, because she straightened it every day. She also wore blue contacts, because, for some reason, she hated her eye color. She thought it was too plain. That was also the reason why she dyed her hair weekly. She changed the color every week, each color being an unnatural hair shade, whether it was hunter green or dark pink. This week, she decided to go with magenta. Come to think of it, Tessalynn also dyed her hair, but not for reasons of plainness. Her natural shade was blonde, but she dyed it brunette, as to not be mistaken as a 'dumb blonde'. Lucas dyed his hair as well, but it was only the ends of his hair that were dyed, and the color was always either red or blue, and on one occasion, green. Liam was the only one of our children that didn't dye their hair, sadly.

After several minutes sitting in the suffocating heat of Rachel's car, we finally arrived at the school. The students in front of the building were a sea of red. The six graduates that were in the car immediately ran off to meet with their friends. I saw Elizabeth join up with her two best friends, Amy and Camille. Amy, Mercedes and Sam's daughter, was wearing even higher heels than Elizabeth was, and had her arms over the shoulders her seven-year-old brother, Jason, who was trying desperately to free himself from her grip and failing. Camille was leaning on her father Artie's wheelchair and talking to her mother, Kitty.

Tessalynn and Patti ran to meet with their friend, Maria, Brittany and Santana's daughter, and began squealing and jumping up and down at the excitement of graduating and going to high school.

At McKinley.

Dear God.

Jeremiah tried to meet up with Jason, but Rachel was holding on to his hand so tightly it looked as though she were cutting off circulation.

"Mom, I'm eleven years old, you don't have to hold my hand anymore. I'm not a baby."

"Yes, you're not a baby, but I still worry about you getting lost in large crowds."

"Ugh, let go!"

Suddenly, I heard someone talking over the hundred eighth-graders. "Everyone, the graduathion will begin in five minuteth. Pleathe come in to the auditorium."

Blaine snickered, and even though I slapped his shoulder, I, too, was trying to conceal my laughter. The principal, Mr. Bonsbury, had a lisp, or should I say, a lithp. Blaine and I always found it hilarious when he spoke. Mr. Bonsbury directed the graduates to the entrance for the students, while the adults had to enter the auditorium at the other end of the school. I looked at my four children, specifically towards Elizabeth and Lucas.

"Do. Not. Get. Into. Any. Trouble. Clear?"

They both answered in unison. "Yes, Dad."

"Good. We'll see you in the audience, okay." I hugged each of them, as did Blaine. "Your father and I are both very proud of you. You know that, right?"

Elizabeth smirked. "You may have an odd way of showing it, but yes, we do. We love you guys."

"Love you, too."

"Come on, guys, we need to get in our spots!" Camille rushed behind Elizabeth and grabbed her hand, dragging her to the auditorium. Tessalynn, Lucas, and Liam followed. As Blaine and I were walking to the front of the school so we could get into the auditorium and find our seats, we heard Lucas yell,

"Let the graduation begin!"


End file.
